Today is the last day of 2013. You probably already knew that. And if you didn’t, someone probably reminded you with their attention-grabbing Facebook status that recounts a year of “ups and downs” with an ending along the lines of “let’s make 2014 the best year yet!”

Because I love lists, I figured I’d list out my 14 New Years resolutions for 2014. From the mundane to the sarcastic to the serious, I’m hoping I can progress at least a little bit toward my overall goal of becoming a real person before I turn 24 next December. They may not fall into the Ok, Stupid theme of this here blog, but here they are anyway.

I present to you:

14 Things I, Kelly Diamond, Must Attempt To Do In 2014 Without Complaining Too Much

1) Get A Job In The TV/Film Industry – This one is obvious and self-explanatory. But also the most difficult and necessary. If I don’t get a job, I can’t continue to eat all those fancy desserts I like to buy on a whim. Which may be a good thing, because it leads to my next resolution…

2) Eat Less Dessert – It’s basically all I eat at this point. If you cut me open I’m pretty sure I’d bleed chocolate syrup and sugar.

3) Stop Subsisting On Bread And Pasta – If my blood is chocolate and sugar, I think my body may be made of lasagna and garlic bread.

4) Finally Watch Breaking Bad – But try not to crave meth in the process.

5) Blow Dry My Hair Instead Of Letting It Dry Naturally Into A Horrific Nest – Jewish girl struggles are real.

6) Try Meditation – Ugh, do I have to?

7) Write More Than Just This Blog – Because I need to do more than just date creeps for writing material.

8) Pet More Dogs – It leads to more happiness. Also, side-resolution: Try not to steal one. And don’t get kicked out of the Santa Monica dog park for not having a dog and creeping out the patrons…again.

9) Go To More Concerts – Because they make me happy and it’s one of the only places I can go and paint on my face without looking like a freak.

10) Tell People I Love Them – Sometimes the words just get stuck. But as important as it is to show it through actions, it’s important to say it out loud too.

11) Get A Little More Serious With Dating – It’s not all blog fodder. While people are moving in with their significant others and getting engaged, I’m over here watching Netflix and eating chocolate cake while naked in my bed by myself on a Saturday night. I should probably try harder not to be “forever alone.”

12) Stop Exclusively Watching Bob’s Burgers, Parks and Recreation, And MTV Made – Because watching any of these shows for 8 hours straight is probably unhealthy. Also, it interferes with my #4 resolution.

13) Answer The Freaking Phone – Stop ignoring phone calls. It’s weird. Just pick up the phone for once.

14) Try Stand-Up Comedy – The scariest of my resolutions. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. Maybe I’ll choke and die on stage out of fear and embarrassment but at least I’ll have crossed something off my list. Just promise me you won’t come watch.

I have plenty of other things that I should probably add to the list (No One-Night Stands, Quit Kissing Gay Men, Wear My Retainer More Often, Stop Eating My Feelings) but I figure 14 is plenty. Plus, it’s thematic.

The new year should hopefully bring some job opportunities, a more fit physique, and a love life to speak of. But most importantly, I’m really just holding out for HBO Go to start working on my Roku Box, because old episodes of Sex and the City aren’t just gonna watch themselves in their underwear on a Saturday night while their roommate is on a hot date.

2 responses to “Resolutions

  1. Norm Stevens

    Love you.
    Norm Wharton 1953 ……………………long time ago but still have wonderful Penn and Friar memories. Still in contact with fellow Friars.
    Keep up this stupid Blog
    Go Quakers

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