Facebook Suitors Freak Me Out

Have you ever checked your Facebook messages and found pronouncements of love from strangers? Or messages from people you haven’t seen or thought about in 15 years? I have.

Below are two gents who somehow found me and attempted to woo me.

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I have no idea where these guys found me, as their Facebook say they’re based in different African countries. However, if I get really desperate in my dating life, perhaps I’ll give one of them a shot.

The weirdest kind of message is the one that comes from someone you knew in a past life. The following example comes from a guy I knew back in middle school. I have no idea what any of this means.

joe holland fb

Sorry you hate yourself, but I don’t really know you anymore and thus have no desire to help you by letting you use me as a “human ashtray”.

What makes people think it’s normal to reach out via social media in this way? It’s not an attractive quality. In fact, it’s kind of ballsy. Your Facebook has replaced your eyes as the window to the soul. You are who you want to be on your page. You curate it and perfect it to make yourself seem desirable and fun to anyone who deems to cyber stalk you.

In this way, strangers who send me these messages are giving me complete access to their lives without 1) ever having met me or 2) not having seen me since I was the 12-year-old with giant glasses and massively crooked teeth. Do you really want to put yourself out there in that way? Even when chatting up someone in person, they cannot immediately glean this kind of information. Introduce yourself with just your first name and you’re still safe from the online stalking that most modern daters are wont to do. Introduce or re-introduce (in the case of ashtray up there) yourself on Facebook and you’re giving them immediate reason to delve into who you are without even having to type in google.com.

When looking back through my old messages in the depths of my message folder, I cannot believe how many unfamiliar people pop up. Some from college, asking for advice. Some from high school, sending me strange messages because they’d been hacked or clicked on a virus. And in this case, one who is looking for a drug deal.

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Whoever this was, it looks like they bounced from FB world. Wish I could remember having this conversation. Also, as an aside, I’m super against people using Adderall when it isn’t prescribed to them. I think it gives non-users a disadvantage and punishes us for doing honest work with the attention spans we’re born with. But that’s just me. And I’m judgmental. And kind of a suck-up. Anyone want to date me now?

The point I’m trying to make here is this: Reaching out to strangers or near-strangers on Facebook is usually a terrible idea. Unless you have questions about something professional, like a job or internship, or are planning a surprise party for a mutual friend (I’ve been in both of these situations multiple times), no one wants to hear from you. Do not hit on people this way. Just go back to the somewhat anonymous dating sites like Ok Cupid and Tinder. Trust me. You don’t want potential dates to write you off based on your drunken photos without ever having met you. Because once they see those, you’re done. Game over.

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One response to “Facebook Suitors Freak Me Out

  1. Pingback: Facebook Suitors Freak Me Out | Ok, Stupid | TinderNews

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