I just spent the past weekend in the City of Sin.
Las Vegas is almost exactly what I expected it to be: a strip filled with strippers, girls who dress like strippers, and guys who enjoy them. Just strips and stripping everywhere. Also a lot of greasy hair.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I hated Vegas. I couldn’t wait to return to LA and feel normal again. You wouldn’t be able to tell from the photos of the trip that were taken of me, but I was unhappy for the majority of the time I was there.
I’ll admit I was pretty thrilled that someone knocked me in the head with that foam finger. It was one of the only good things that happened to me over the weekend. But my smile? Staged. I just wanted a hot pic to use on my Tinder profile to show men that I’m super fun and know how to party. The truth is, I wasn’t even remotely intoxicated in this photo. Any buzz I had wore off while I waited in line to enter the club for almost an hour and a half.
After a night of trying to enjoy a town of facades and tiny outfits, I returned to the hotel around 4am. This is when I realized that Vegas would be an excellent place to use Tinder. Imagine all the men who go to Vegas just to find a one-night-stand. Hell, I have a friend who went there and had three of them. And so, at 4 in the morning, two of my friends and I went on a Tinder marathon. As per usual, I was swiping right on everyone I came across.
While I expected a different kind of message from the seedy men of Sin City, I actually received many messages that were similar to those I get in LA. Some were gross, but they weren’t as horrifically bad as I’d anticipated. They mostly came from drunk guys who didn’t have much to say.
The majority of the messages I received in Vegas asked me the exact same thing: “Are you real, or are you a robot?” Apparently Las Vegas is full of fake Tinder titties and spam. I didn’t realize this was an issue for men until they continually asked me this question. I guess fembots are a real issue on Tinder.
I happened to be spending the weekend with one of my close male friends, a fellow Tinder user. He actually had a much more interesting change of pace in his Tinder messages during his stay. While I was receiving relatively mild messages, his were completely out of the ordinary. That’s because they were all coming from prostitutes.
Many of the female profiles stated things like “F, 18, HJ $30, BJ $50, GF Experience $300”. I don’t know if those prices are accurate. I’ve never been a hooker before, though with my current job(less) situation I may need to learn the ins and outs of the practice. Apparently the girls do quite well financially down by the strip.
My friend had tons of ladies messaging him about getting together for the night. He could have had sex many times, though his wallet would certainly be hurting by the end. I’d never seen anything like it. Tinder in Vegas was being used for business purposes. Ladies of the night had access to men that they may never have found on the streets. It’s genius, really.
Luckily for his STD-free self, my friend was able to politely nix any offer of for-pay sexual play. I’m not sure if it’s because he didn’t want anything to do with prostitutes or if it’s because he was out of money after losing it in a few penny slots. Or maybe it was his similar distaste from Vegas that saved him from possible genital ruin.
I wish I had something more exciting to say about my Vegas/Tinder experience. I guess I’ll just have to keep traveling around to find some gems.
One thing to be proud of, however? While many accused me of being a robot (I’m not sure how they know about my inability to deal with my emotions), none accused me of being a hooker. So that’s good…right?