I’m A Terrible Sexter

This is generally how sexting goes for me:


I don’t find it sexy at all, especially when an absolute stranger wants to engage in textual acts with me.

The most intense sexting experience I’ve ever had was in the summer of 2012. I had just returned from my annual trip to Outside Lands, a music festival in San Francisco. A short and tattooed Los Angeles native somehow got a phone number out of me and proceeded to text me when I got home to LA, where I was spending the summer before my senior year at Penn.

I barely talked to this guy at the festival and I definitely didn’t have any designs on his tiny body. To be honest, I think I took his number only because he worked in the music industry and promised me free tickets to shows in and around Hollywood. I now realize those tickets were meant to be a part of a trade. A sexty trade.

His texts were innocent enough at first, asking how I was doing and what it was like to be a dog-sitter to the rich and famous. I sent back half-hearted answers, holding out for offers of ticket freebies to shows. Apparently my blunt responses made this guy think I was bored, so he decided to “spice things up” by begging for photos of me that would excite him. He never offered one of himself. This was kind of a one-sided sexting thing where I was expected to provide the nudity while he begged for it. The concert tickets were never mentioned during the whole begging ordeal, leading me to believe he may never have been in the position to procure them in the first place.

When it came to sexting, this guy probably should have resorted to something like Craigslist for a partner because after several woeful texts asking me for a picture of myself, I sent him this:


It’s a photo of me, right? Isn’t that what he so desperately wanted? He never texted me again. I wonder if he still has my eye staring at him from his camera roll.

Perhaps sexting amongst lovers or friends (with benefits) is less awkward and more serious than these random requests I’ve gotten in my own experience. So if we actually know each other and you’re looking for a good time, ask me for a photo. I’ll make sure it’s a snap of some really big (eye)balls.

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