Sealing The Deal

A few days ago I was talking to a co-worker about relationships. He asked me if I was interested in being in one and I told him that at the moment, I was content in my singledom and too busy to commit to anything.

I take that answer back.

Another one of my co-workers is a Tinder aficionado who has taken several girls on dates after a mutual right swipe. When he asked if I’ve ever been on a Tinder date and I said no, he couldn’t believe it. When I told him that I swipe right on every profile on Tinder, he told me I was doing it wrong.

So I started exclusively swiping right on attractive men who don’t have “Stoner”, “Republican”, or “Work Hard, Play Hard” as their profile summary.

A few promising matches were made.

One guy is a bassist who just joined a band I listened to heavily in sixth grade. He disappeared after we swapped phone numbers.

Another guy was a 6’4 volleyball player at Stanford. I told him I thought his dog was cute. He said thanks. I fell in love. He didn’t reply.

Can’t forget the cute New Zealander who friended me on Facebook to make sure I wasn’t lying about my identity. As soon as I accepted that friend request, he fell off the face of the Earth. That is, until I texted him thinking he was my landlord. They have the same name. Needless to say, he didn’t know how to fix my broken ceiling fan.

Then there’s the underwear model who wants to become a writer. He was promising at first, messaging me in coherent sentences and finding interesting things to say. When he asked to hang out I gave him my number. Never heard from him again.

Is my phone number extremely unattractive or something?

There are also guys who spend days sending messages back and forth on a dating site but never ask for a number or to get together. I realize I could be the one to ask but I just want somebody to woo me. No luck, though. These guys seem perfectly happy having a conversation through a screen and have no intention of going beyond that. It’s great if purely virtual communication is something that fulfills you, but I can’t get a dinner and a cuddle with an online relationship.

Now that I’ve realized how happy a relationship would make me at this point in my lonely LA life, I’ve been seriously trying to find dates on Ok Cupid and Tinder. I’d do this in the real world and not online but the last time I hit on a guy in person was a disaster. Let’s just say I wrote my number down on a bar tab for the bartender and when he saw it he started laughing hysterically with his buddies. I was drunk, okay?! Or tipsy. Or totally sober. Semantics.

So now that I’m taking online dating seriously, why can’t I get a date?

Sealing the deal has become the bane of my existence this week. After chatting with a few (potentially) cool people and hoping to meet up in real life, I can’t seem to get anyone to actually hang out. Now that I’m making myself available and open to the idea of meeting someone special, no one wants to meet me.

What’s the secret to making things happen offline? I was able to find several dates when I first moved here and tried online dating but since then, I can’t seem to do it anymore. Did I get less charming? Did the LA smog make me less attractive and funny? Were those previous dates just a bunch of dreams that I had some night? What happened to me? Why can’t I seal the deal?

In an attempt to salvage some of the conversations I had online and bring them to life, I went back and sent a follow-up message. I still have no replies to speak of but am hopeful that I can get that Stanford Volleyballer or underwear model/writer to love me.

Until then, I’ll be staring at my inbox and waiting for a miracle.

3 responses to “Sealing The Deal

  1. RITA

    My name is Rita and I base in Florida“My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Ogwua which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 7 days and reverse the effect of their little boys cancer, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Ogwua e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. Dr Ogwua is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man… If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try Dr Ogwua anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact:

  2. Shitty Fat Tits

    Embarrassed that I’m even reading your Tumblr at this point, but… Do any of the guys who disappear off the face of the earth do so because you have a Tumblr dedicated to (deservedly or not) making fun of guys on OKCupid? Because I’m not even on there anymore and reading through it gives me a knot in my stomach, thinking how shitty it would feel to end up on here for taking the corny icebreaker approach. Maybe they’re self conscious.

    I know this particular “ugh, I made an OKCupid profile and guys TRIED TO TALK TO ME” Tumblr isn’t nearly as vitriolic as all the other ones, but Jesus, I believe somebody who has one of those Tumblrs doesn’t deserve much online dating success on principle to begin with.

    Even now I’m cringing because I’ve already said this much, and displayed (and then promptly deleted) some undertones of “nice guy syndrome” on Twitter… And I’m not trying to date you. I’d be majorly depressed to go on a few dates with you before being mocked on the Internet by you.

  3. Shitty Fat Tits

    I’d like to state I find your story about the bartender and hypothesis as to why you’ve become less dateable to be legitimately endearing. Like, seriously charming as shit, you deserve all the best hugs in the world.

    But… If you were a guy, and you posted those exact same words, it would be immediately screen grabbed and posted to a blog EXACTLY like this so people could laugh at you. Agree or disagree? And is that fair or not fair?

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