A few days ago I was talking to a co-worker about relationships. He asked me if I was interested in being in one and I told him that at the moment, I was content in my singledom and too busy to commit to anything.
I take that answer back.
Another one of my co-workers is a Tinder aficionado who has taken several girls on dates after a mutual right swipe. When he asked if I’ve ever been on a Tinder date and I said no, he couldn’t believe it. When I told him that I swipe right on every profile on Tinder, he told me I was doing it wrong.
So I started exclusively swiping right on attractive men who don’t have “Stoner”, “Republican”, or “Work Hard, Play Hard” as their profile summary.
A few promising matches were made.
One guy is a bassist who just joined a band I listened to heavily in sixth grade. He disappeared after we swapped phone numbers.
Another guy was a 6’4 volleyball player at Stanford. I told him I thought his dog was cute. He said thanks. I fell in love. He didn’t reply.
Can’t forget the cute New Zealander who friended me on Facebook to make sure I wasn’t lying about my identity. As soon as I accepted that friend request, he fell off the face of the Earth. That is, until I texted him thinking he was my landlord. They have the same name. Needless to say, he didn’t know how to fix my broken ceiling fan.
Then there’s the underwear model who wants to become a writer. He was promising at first, messaging me in coherent sentences and finding interesting things to say. When he asked to hang out I gave him my number. Never heard from him again.
Is my phone number extremely unattractive or something?
There are also guys who spend days sending messages back and forth on a dating site but never ask for a number or to get together. I realize I could be the one to ask but I just want somebody to woo me. No luck, though. These guys seem perfectly happy having a conversation through a screen and have no intention of going beyond that. It’s great if purely virtual communication is something that fulfills you, but I can’t get a dinner and a cuddle with an online relationship.
Now that I’ve realized how happy a relationship would make me at this point in my lonely LA life, I’ve been seriously trying to find dates on Ok Cupid and Tinder. I’d do this in the real world and not online but the last time I hit on a guy in person was a disaster. Let’s just say I wrote my number down on a bar tab for the bartender and when he saw it he started laughing hysterically with his buddies. I was drunk, okay?! Or tipsy. Or totally sober. Semantics.
So now that I’m taking online dating seriously, why can’t I get a date?
Sealing the deal has become the bane of my existence this week. After chatting with a few (potentially) cool people and hoping to meet up in real life, I can’t seem to get anyone to actually hang out. Now that I’m making myself available and open to the idea of meeting someone special, no one wants to meet me.
What’s the secret to making things happen offline? I was able to find several dates when I first moved here and tried online dating but since then, I can’t seem to do it anymore. Did I get less charming? Did the LA smog make me less attractive and funny? Were those previous dates just a bunch of dreams that I had some night? What happened to me? Why can’t I seal the deal?
In an attempt to salvage some of the conversations I had online and bring them to life, I went back and sent a follow-up message. I still have no replies to speak of but am hopeful that I can get that Stanford Volleyballer or underwear model/writer to love me.
Until then, I’ll be staring at my inbox and waiting for a miracle.