While sifting through old posts, I realized I haven’t written any text on here in quite some time. I want to tell you why.
In May, I met someone amazing. I felt so lucky to start seeing a guy that treated me like an equal. He did thoughtful things for me and shared so many of my interests. I suppose I didn’t feel the need to write on here because I was happy. I had never dated someone that made me feel like I was special.
And then he broke my heart. He just wants to be friends.
I’ve been through break-ups before. I realize that this guy and I hadn’t dated very long. And yet, our separating is making me miserable.
I sobbed uncontrollably on the street as we said our goodbyes. He held me close to comfort me. I almost hated him for it because I knew it’d be the last time. Plus, I probably got snot all over his favorite sweatshirt, which is not very ladylike of me.
This is probably the most melodramatic thing I’ve ever written, but hang in there.
After spending an entire night crying, plus indulging in little cries throughout the following day, I’ve come to realize something. While I’m horribly disappointed that this relationship is over before it truly began, I am relieved by one thing: My ability to let myself feel sad over it.
In past break-ups, I have always managed to either ignore the sadness or feel only relief. This time, I can barely get a hold of my emotions. As someone who suffers terribly from anxiety, my tears are healthy. After years of stuffing my emotions inside and not shedding a single tear from ages 9 to 18, I’m somewhat proud of the streaks running down my face. I grew in our short time together. I was able to feel things for him and when he told me those feelings had to end, I was able to feel feelings for myself. This is new to me. As empty as I feel right now, I also feel somewhat whole. I have emotions, and I allowed someone to see them for the first time.
As much as I hate to, I must accept that it’s curtains for us. He doesn’t want to be with me. However, I’m on a new journey with my heart. I don’t feel so scared to show it to others as I did for the other 23 years of my life. He gave that to me, even though he may not know it. And while it wasn’t something he felt prepared to take as his own, I hope someone else will.
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this and my vision is blurring. That makes it hard to see, considering I’m legally blind in the first place. So I should probably stop writing anything else, as this is plenty for my Facebook friends and Twitter followers to take in.
In the end, I may regret posting this for the world to see. For him to see. I kind of already do. But I think it’s all in the journey.
Show people your heart and maybe, if you’re lucky, they’ll show you theirs.