This project has gone on for a few months now and thus, I feel like I should express the things I’ve learned through this weird and sad little journey. I am only telling you these things to help you. Take them as a warning if you decide to take the plunge into the online dating world. I, of course, think it gives you many more options when it comes to meeting people that you may not otherwise have come across. However, most of these people are psychos or recluses or sex fiends. But now you can go in saying you were warned.
Tag Archives: first date
Naturally, online dating brings out the psychos of the world. I’m sure they have some redeeming qualities somewhere deep inside themselves but sometimes they’re just too much to handle. Due to my “Always Swipe Right” rule on Tinder, I’ve come across some pretty agressive crazies. Below is my favorite psycho suitor. And by favorite I really mean, below is a guy who should probably be in serious therapy. And that is not a knock on therapy – I think everyone should go. It rocks.
…And then he blocked me.
I think all men (and women, and people who don’t associate themselves with a specific gender, and horses, and radishes, and everyone else) should be aware of this: These kind of messages are the least attractive thing one can ever receive. They make you look like a desperate crazy person (which we all are – most of us just know how to hide it at first) and they also serve to insult me. They’re aggressive and they’re rude. I will say, though, that the Easter Island *block* head was a nice touch. Unfortunately, Emojis can’t save you after such an erratic and uncalled for tirade.
While I don’t feel bad for ignoring this guy’s questions and pleas, I do feel bad for him as a human being. Dude wants attention and isn’t getting it. The thing is, someone needs to teach him the right way to approach a person, even on a stupid app like Tinder. I just absolutely refuse to be that person. Let his mom do it.
Ready for the kicker here? Just one day later, I checked my visitors on Ok Cupid. Guess who stopped by?
I realize this post may seem mean. I don’t intend for it to be that way. Insecurities and the need for attention and love are a part of life. However, I can’t help but be intrigued by this gent’s way of going about remedying his lonely situation. The verbosity of his messages and his automatic insistance that I’m ignoring him (some people just don’t check Tinder! Although I’ll admit I was ignoring him out of fear) serve as a repellent. Forget ever finding someone who will be attracted to anything of this sort. If he continues on this path, our buddy may be on the self-love train for a lot longer.
I still think this guy is one of the crazies. But as I’ve said before, we all are in our own way. I just believe messages like this should be a teaching tool. Consider this your lesson from me. Don’t show your crazy in this format, and don’t think a cute Emoji can save you from yourself.
I hope you find what you’re looking for, Tinder Friend. In the meantime, thank you for blocking me.
NOTE: The subject of this post found it and has requested his name be redacted. All edits made are per his request.
Patrick was one of the first guys I messaged with who seemed really quirky and fun. We wrote to each other for a couple weeks before we decided to meet for drinks. Topics ranged from siamese twins to the arts. I was actually excited to meet him. Plus, his photo wasn’t so bad either. (Check the proof below).
Truth be told, I shouldn’t have fallen for that Instagram filter. When I went to meet Patrick for drinks, I was excited to see that he was tall and wearing a flannel. I was not excited to hug him hello and feel his man-boobs against my body. Mean? Yes. But also very surprising. Have you ever been caught off guard like that? I hadn’t. He had to have been an A-cup.
Increasingly disinterested in my date, I made friends with an older and married gay couple at the bar. They fed me a marshmallow and thought I was so charming. Patrick was impressed. I wanted to take both of these gray-haired gay men home with me. This is just further proof that I am a homosexual male.
I bought a drink and we talked. Mostly about siamese twins. Again. He seems quite fascinated. I couldn’t really carry a conversation about conjoined babies past what I’d already said in our online messaging, so I bid him adieu after an appropriate amount of time (as in, “I gave him a chance but now I need to say goodbye to Patrick and his girlish rack”).
I never heard from Patrick again. I was okay with that. That is, until he texted me three weeks later to ask if I got home safely. Yes, really. I could have died on the way home and he wouldn’t have known. I told him this. He said, “Yeah, I guess I turned the three-day rule into the three-week rule.” Sucks, man.
About a week into my Ok Cupid adventure, I was receiving some pretty boring messages. My inbox was full of “Hi”, “What’s Up”, and “How you doin’?” But many of the men behind these lame quips were far older than me, far shorter than me, or unclothed. Needless to say, they didn’t receive responses back from me.
That is, until Daniel messaged me. I wish I could tell you why I replied but honestly I have no idea. He seemed attractive and interesting. He wanted to be a writer and moved from Alabama to LA to pursue his dream. He was a soccer player in college and clocked in at 6 foot 3. What’s not to like? Perhaps his first message (below). But I decided to ignore that fact.
“Pretty hot”? Obviously my careful photo selection paid off!
Daniel asked me to hang out on Labor Day. I headed down to Santa Monica to meet him at a bar. We spent a long time chatting and playing Quizzo (they call it bar trivia here. Alrighty.) It was technically my first real date so I did my best to be, um, flirty. A tap on the arm and a giggle here and there. I even wore a dress. But conversation got stale and when Daniel remarked that my tattoo seemed dumb, I knew it wasn’t a love connection. Daniel didn’t agree though. We never saw each other again but he continues to text me months later. Usually drunk. Sometimes sober. I started to think he was going to stalk me down and kill me (a la Craigslist Killer) so I tried to disappear for a while. Sometimes I’ll respond, though. I’m not THAT mean of a person.
While I don’t plan to see him again and I still think he might murder me, I’m proud to say a boy finally bought me a cheeseburger. I’m totally dating!