The Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Blood:Brain Barrier

Prepare yourselves for the best Ok, Stupid submission of all time.

A close friend of mine went on a date. During this date, he accidentally found himself on a bizarre acid trip. I can’t make this stuff up.

Ever the creative soul, this friend created an audio accompaniment to the story. Hit “play” if you dare.

 

Now, I present to you, “The Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Blood: Brain Barrier”, by an anonymous weirdo who is close to my heart.

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The Friendship Problem

Finding friends is like dating, except harder. And more necessary.

I had no idea how lucky I was to have people living in the same house as me in college. Living with the girls below was like having constant entertainment and companionship. What I’d give to go back to that big, crazy house…

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When I moved to LA last July, I only had a handful of friends out here. Like any naive college kid with a hefty number of people in her phone’s contact list, I assumed I’d easily pick up more friends as soon as I arrived in my new(ish) city. Having spent three summers out here prior to making the permanent move, I was confident in my ability to find fun people to spend time with in a totally unromantic, strictly platonic way. I thought it’d be easy to make a whole bunch of friends who I could hang out with whenever I wanted, just like when I was in college.

I was wrong.

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maddie submit 2

Submitted by my friend who has never performed in her life, save for her renditions of Taylor Swift’s Red album during long car rides. Even she will admit that those innocent renditions are a little hard on the ears. I suppose they’re lively, though. She really loves Taylor.

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Guest Post #1: Hot Blonde Friend

As I’ve been writing post after post for this blog, many of my friends have come out of the woodwork with tales of their own online dating failures. The braver ones have offered to write guest posts about dates gone wrong. The following is the first of this series, written by an anonymous close friend of mine who resembles a hot blonde model from the midwest. She isn’t one, but as she’ll tell you, it’s the looks that count.

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FROM THE HOT BLONDE:

“I think the weirdest thing about the online dating game is that it’s so looks-based and it makes me feel incredibly shallow. When I think back to the guys I had a thing for/with in college, and I imagine their faces popping up on OK Cupid, I realize that I probably wouldn’t have messaged them back, based on looks. These guys were attractive enough, but what sold me on them was their non-physical attributes. I met these guys in classes, through friends, through clubs—places where a date wasn’t the first thing we jumped to. Because of this I actually got to know them first, and non-physical attributes and/or status on campus made up for their lack of resemblance to Brad Pitt.

Conversely, when it comes to looking at profiles online it’s hard to get a sense of who someone really is from reading their responses. You like to travel? No shit, doesn’t everyone? You, too, are in the film industry? In Los Angeles? How unique! You also like “trying new restaurants” and “attending concerts?” Every single profile seems generic after reading ten of them, and because of this, looks start to trump all. 

I went on one date with a few months ago who seemed cute based on his pictures, which made up for the lack of interesting material in his profile. We met at a sports bar to watch a college football game, which is pretty much my ideal first date. However, as soon as I got to the bar, I realized his photos were not accurate in the least. J, let’s call him, who claimed to be 5-11, was actually about 5-7. His photos had also managed to hide his beer gut and MAN BOOBS. Seriously, he had bigger breasts than me. The entire date my eyes kept wandering to the American Eagle logo resting right above his left moob.

Even though the conversation was fine, the first look killed that first date for me. I couldn’t even focus on what he was saying. I even tried to give it another try with a second date but it was no use, I was never going to be attracted to J. I saw him as a potential boyfriend before I got to know him as a person, and as a potential boyfriend his moobs were too much to handle. I felt bad. Maybe, if I had met him under different circumstances things would have been different. I just hope someone does the kid a favor and buys him lite beer and a training bra for Hanukkah.”

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