The Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Blood:Brain Barrier

Prepare yourselves for the best Ok, Stupid submission of all time.

A close friend of mine went on a date. During this date, he accidentally found himself on a bizarre acid trip. I can’t make this stuff up.

Ever the creative soul, this friend created an audio accompaniment to the story. Hit “play” if you dare.


Now, I present to you, “The Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Blood: Brain Barrier”, by an anonymous weirdo who is close to my heart.

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Music And Mood Swings

I’ve always related particular songs to certain people in my life. Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” makes me think of my mom every time it hits my eardrums. I think of my college friend whenever I hear “Ridin’ Solo” by Jason DeRulo. Whether it’s a classic rock anthem or a song that I used to dance to while drunk in my dorm room, music has always had a direct relationship to memories for me. So naturally, this is true with my past romantic partners.

My ex-boyfriend listened to Coldplay almost exclusively during our relationship, and I haven’t been able to listen to them without feeling sad since we broke up three years ago. I realize that Coldplay makes people feel sad anyway, but this is more of a nostalgia-type sadness that creeps up and makes me want to change the song.

The same is true for Pitbull and KeSha’s “Timber”. The song sucks. I know that. But the last guy I dated introduced me to the hit about “goin’ down” and it was the first song we ever danced to together. Now, since our romance has kind of ended (has it really, though? I honestly have no idea), I need to turn off the radio every time “Timber” comes on. Which, by the way, is very often.

It’s strange that music can bring back so many memories from your past. I’m 99% sure I had my sloppy and disgusting first kiss to Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop”. I will forever think of that lacrosse player’s tongue licking my chin and his beer spilling on my hair every time that song plays. Luckily it doesn’t play often, and I’m still upset that he ruined my hair with his drunken spillage.

So…what does all this music and sadness talk have to do with online dating?

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My Romantic History: A Timeline

While you’re all reading about my current romantic foibles, I have come to realize that most of you really don’t know how I got here. In other words, you don’t know where I’ve been on this path toward finding The One.

Many people have asked me about my personal dating history. They probably didn’t want to know this much, but here it is.

Spoiler alert: I’ve been in bed watching Netflix, which is why I’m still painfully alone.

What you should know first-off is that I never prioritized dating. At age 5 I told my mom I didn’t want a husband – I just wanted to live with roommates. As a 23-year-old Los Angeles newbie, I work hardest at my career. School was always my main focus. Now my life is dedicated to getting a great job and learning to be an adult by cooking and going to the gym. Perhaps to find happiness in companionship, I need to put energy into finding love the way I put energy into everything else that I do. Will that work? Maybe not, but at least it’s a start. If this aggressiveness I have could get me into the Ivy League and onto the West Coast post-graduation, it could probably get me wifed up. Maybe.

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IMG_6170Happy New Year, everyone.


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