I moved from Philadelphia to Los Angeles. After meeting a handful of horrible douchebags out here on the Golden Coast, I decided to join the world of online dating because potentially being murdered by a jilted online lover seems better than loneliness. I joined Ok Cupid and Tinder (because they're free and I'm broke) to see what sorts of men they could provide me. For more, follow me on Twitter @KellyDiamond_
I can’t sleep at night. This is probably due to my inherent anxiety problem and the fact that I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of having my Netflix run as I attempt to drift off. According to my doctor, stimulation from a screen is the worst thing you can put into your brain before attempting a trip to snooze city. Whoops.
Because I always have a TV show running in the background when I’m doing something, or in the foreground when I’m not, I’ve become committed to a few particular shows. What I realized recently — as I made my nightly attempt to quiet my brain and force it into slumber — is that the way I watch television is quite similar to the way I see men.
You probably think these are about to be the ramblings of an insomniac, and they are. Still, I can’t help but notice how the way I watch particular shows mimics the way I see different individuals or groups of dudes who I’ve known in the past, or know to exist somewhere out in the world.
This might seem like a long shot but at least it gives you the chance to judge me on the types of TV shows I watch. And the kinds of men I befriend and/or date.
Tags: 30 rock, bob's burgers, breaking bad, buzzfeed, california, comedy, cute, dating, family guy, fox, freaks and geeks, funny, fx, girls, haha, hbo, hollywood, kelly diamond, list, listicle, lol, los angeles, men, nbc, new girl, ok cupid, ok stupid, okc, online dating, parks and rec, parks and recreation, summer heights high, television, the office, tinder, tv, tv shows, writer
As I’ve been writing post after post for this blog, many of my friends have come out of the woodwork with tales of their own online dating failures. The braver ones have offered to write guest posts about dates gone wrong. The following is the first of this series, written by an anonymous close friend of mine who resembles a hot blonde model from the midwest. She isn’t one, but as she’ll tell you, it’s the looks that count.
FROM THE HOT BLONDE:
“I think the weirdest thing about the online dating game is that it’s so looks-based and it makes me feel incredibly shallow. When I think back to the guys I had a thing for/with in college, and I imagine their faces popping up on OK Cupid, I realize that I probably wouldn’t have messaged them back, based on looks. These guys were attractive enough, but what sold me on them was their non-physical attributes. I met these guys in classes, through friends, through clubs—places where a date wasn’t the first thing we jumped to. Because of this I actually got to know them first, and non-physical attributes and/or status on campus made up for their lack of resemblance to Brad Pitt.
Conversely, when it comes to looking at profiles online it’s hard to get a sense of who someone really is from reading their responses. You like to travel? No shit, doesn’t everyone? You, too, are in the film industry? In Los Angeles? How unique! You also like “trying new restaurants” and “attending concerts?” Every single profile seems generic after reading ten of them, and because of this, looks start to trump all.
I went on one date with a few months ago who seemed cute based on his pictures, which made up for the lack of interesting material in his profile. We met at a sports bar to watch a college football game, which is pretty much my ideal first date. However, as soon as I got to the bar, I realized his photos were not accurate in the least. J, let’s call him, who claimed to be 5-11, was actually about 5-7. His photos had also managed to hide his beer gut and MAN BOOBS. Seriously, he had bigger breasts than me. The entire date my eyes kept wandering to the American Eagle logo resting right above his left moob.
Even though the conversation was fine, the first look killed that first date for me. I couldn’t even focus on what he was saying. I even tried to give it another try with a second date but it was no use, I was never going to be attracted to J. I saw him as a potential boyfriend before I got to know him as a person, and as a potential boyfriend his moobs were too much to handle. I felt bad. Maybe, if I had met him under different circumstances things would have been different. I just hope someone does the kid a favor and buys him lite beer and a training bra for Hanukkah.”
In that same Old Man vein, here’s a charming message I received from a 51-year-old. I almost responded only because his username has the word “taco” in it.