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unabomber

Sufficiently creeped out beyond belief.

I’ve been really low on Ok Cupid messages lately. Do you think it’s because this is one of the answers I have on my profile?

Is this not attractive to men? I don’t understand. 

The Art of the Profile

Let’s be honest here: I first moved to LA in July 2013 and at that point, never in my entire life had I been on a “real” date. Despite one longterm relationship during college and a handful of messy hook-ups, no one had ever bothered to ask me out and tell me I’m pretty. So when I moved to the golden coast, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I’d go on some dates with some real-life men and I’d maybe like it. And if I didn’t like it, I’d buy a goldfish to keep me company in my spinsterhood. 

When it came to making my profile, I decided to go with a classic approach. That is, I’d be myself but not TOO much of myself. Because I am crazy and no one needed to know that. It had to be funny but not too offensive and genuine but not too nice. Because I am not a nice person. This, however, was the easy part. I was always a writer and I’m very self-centered so I was always a writer who wrote about myself. The complicated part of creating an online dating profile is selecting the perfect photo. 

Photos are all about two things: show men that 1) you’re cute and 2) fit. That’s really all they seem to care about. I just had to prove to these online prowlers that I don’t look like the offspring of Snooki and Fat Albert. Luckily I don’t. At least on a good day. Below are the photos I included in my profile.

Caption: “Ugh, selfies. But seriously it was an amazing hair day.”

Caption: “This isn’t even my dog. And I’m not even a USC fan.”

Caption: “Madrid, te amo”

Great captions, am I right? And thus, the journey began.

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