Yeah, definitely. Because I am 15.

The Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Blood:Brain Barrier

Prepare yourselves for the best Ok, Stupid submission of all time.

A close friend of mine went on a date. During this date, he accidentally found himself on a bizarre acid trip. I can’t make this stuff up.

Ever the creative soul, this friend created an audio accompaniment to the story. Hit “play” if you dare.


Now, I present to you, “The Fastest Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Blood: Brain Barrier”, by an anonymous weirdo who is close to my heart.

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Cole: The Snapchat Suitor

I’ve recently discovered that there are three types of online daters. 

1) The Serial Messenger: This is the person who has no intention of doing anything other than message you on your profile. Sometimes this will move on to texting. No human contact is ever made. Your relationship is bound to stay confined to drunk texts and emojis. 

2) The Sex Whisperer: This dude will say anything to get you to hook up with him tonight. I was in touch with one of these guys. When I was at a bar for a friend’s birthday, he offered to pay for my cab ride to his house and back to the bar for a quickie because his “dick was down to his knee.” That’s a real text he sent me. I never talked to him again because…well, it should be obvious.

3) The Dater: This is the jackpot of all online daters because this guy actually wants to go on a date with you. And see you in person. And maybe even talk to you. Who would’ve thought that could be possible? The one problem with The Dater is that it’s hard to find one who you’d actually want to date. There are very few. Good luck finding a Dater who doesn’t live at home with his parents, isn’t completely sedentary in front of their computer, or isn’t completely uneducated. Sometimes you’ll get lucky though. And sometimes The Dater becomes the Sex Whisperer. Whether you’re into that is up to you.

Now sometimes you’ll “meet” a guy who doesn’t fall into any of these categories. For me, that guy was Cole. He’s a 6’6 professional baseball player (yes, really. I Googled him multiple times.) He lives by the beach and seemed to be a pretty nice guy. I gave him my number and we texted some. What got weird was when he added me on Snapchat. Unfamiliar with Snapchat? Like I did with my Tinder post, let me Google that for you.

Cole started Snapchatting me on a semi-regular basis. There was absolutely nothing sexual about it. He would send me photos of his bike ride on the beach or his messy apartment. But when I offered up a time to hang out, he never replied. This guy was perfectly content with a Snapchatting buddy. A non-sexual one. This makes me wonder, how many girls is this guy sending Snapchats to? Is this his “thing”? 

To be honest, I was bummed at the time. I could’ve landed me a professional pitcher (perhaps in more ways than one, ehhh?). But no. I just had to be satisfied with occasional pictures of what he was watching on TV. 

If anything, perhaps this was for the better. When it comes to online dating, labeling people seems to be the only way to know what you’re getting. Cole just happens to be in his own category of Snapchat Suitor. And he doesn’t go beyond that. At least I became aware of this rather quickly.

We haven’t texted or sent Snapchats to each other in quite a while. I imagine his inbox is filled to the brim with girls who have smart phone capabilities. The only reason I have a glimmer of disappointment is because I lost my one chance at going out with a pro athlete.

It would have made all the girls who were mean to me in high school, like, so totally jealous.


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