Facebook Suitors Freak Me Out

Have you ever checked your Facebook messages and found pronouncements of love from strangers? Or messages from people you haven’t seen or thought about in 15 years? I have.

Below are two gents who somehow found me and attempted to woo me.

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One of the weirdest things about online dating is coming across someone you know. I have an entire list of people I know on Tinder. A college friend and I chat on it for fun. Another sexy gay college friend sends me basketball and eggplant emojis over Tinder regularly (to be honest, I have no idea how homosexual him and heterosexual me matched but I’m happy we did.)

It’s also strange to match with people who have multiple mutual friends with me. In this case, James and I had several mutual Facebook friends, all of whom went to Penn. It was clear that we shared the same alma mater. Usually this is fun because it’s the chance to make a new friend. However, it was not fun this time. Because James weirded me out.

penn kid

penn kid 2

penn kid 3

I never answered his pleas on Tinder again because he managed to find and friend me on Facebook. This means he went through our mutual friends’ profiles and looked for me. And then he friended me. And messaged me. Having no idea who he was at the time, I asked. He told me he met me on Tinder and asked if he could get some advice from me.

I’ll admit I feel guilty about what ensued. I told him it was pretty creepy that he searched through multiple people to find my Facebook. I still think it was. It’s one thing to stalk someone privately on Google Chrome’s incognito setting. It’s another thing to do it and then let them know by friending them.

I hope James finds what he’s looking for. He’s probably a super nice guy. But in the ways of advice, all I can tell him is to be less public with the creeping.

A Lesson For The Crazies

Naturally, online dating brings out the psychos of the world. I’m sure they have some redeeming qualities somewhere deep inside themselves but sometimes they’re just too much to handle. Due to my “Always Swipe Right” rule on Tinder, I’ve come across some pretty agressive crazies. Below is my favorite psycho suitor. And by favorite I really mean, below is a guy who should probably be in serious therapy. And that is not a knock on therapy – I think everyone should go. It rocks.

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…And then he blocked me.

I think all men (and women, and people who don’t associate themselves with a specific gender, and horses, and radishes, and everyone else) should be aware of this: These kind of messages are the least attractive thing one can ever receive. They make you look like a desperate crazy person (which we all are – most of us just know how to hide it at first) and they also serve to insult me. They’re aggressive and they’re rude. I will say, though, that the Easter Island *block* head was a nice touch. Unfortunately, Emojis can’t save you after such an erratic and uncalled for tirade.

While I don’t feel bad for ignoring this guy’s questions and pleas, I do feel bad for him as a human being. Dude wants attention and isn’t getting it. The thing is, someone needs to teach him the right way to approach a person, even on a stupid app like Tinder. I just absolutely refuse to be that person. Let his mom do it.

Ready for the kicker here? Just one day later, I checked my visitors on Ok Cupid. Guess who stopped by?

I realize this post may seem mean. I don’t intend for it to be that way. Insecurities and the need for attention and love are a part of life. However, I can’t help but be intrigued by this gent’s way of going about remedying his lonely situation. The verbosity of his messages and his automatic insistance that I’m ignoring him (some people just don’t check Tinder! Although I’ll admit I was ignoring him out of fear) serve as a repellent. Forget ever finding someone who will be attracted to anything of this sort. If he continues on this path, our buddy may be on the self-love train for a lot longer.

I still think this guy is one of the crazies. But as I’ve said before, we all are in our own way. I just believe messages like this should be a teaching tool. Consider this your lesson from me. Don’t show your crazy in this format, and don’t think a cute Emoji can save you from yourself.

I hope you find what you’re looking for, Tinder Friend. In the meantime, thank you for blocking me.

NOTE: The subject of this post found it and has requested his name be redacted. All edits made are per his request.

Shiver Me Tinders

Consider this a sidetrack from the usual Ok Cupid fodder. 

Before I became a member of the aforementioned site of horror, I tried out an app called Tinder. Let me Google that for you in case you aren’t familiar with it. 

One lucky man became my match and proceeded to message me. He seemed nice and smart enough to warrant a response. Sick of Tinder (it’s seriously a horrible hole to fall into), I gave this dude my number and deleted the app for good. After a few texts back and forth, he decided he wanted to meet me. 

But I realized something. I had no idea what this kid’s face looked like. Looking back, I’d realized he only had photos from far away or with other people. Who was this mystery person? He claimed to be 6’4 (you all know by now that I go weak at the knees for a man who stands that tall) and Hungarian-American. But honestly, I couldn’t meet the kid without knowing what his face looked like.

When I told him this, he proceeded to send me a photo of himself in a cow costume. Yes, really. Was his face in it? Barely. All I could see were udders. Udderly distressed, I finagled his last name out of him. Don’t ask me how. After a thorough Facebook search I’d found him. And I realized why he was so private about his facial features. While this guy really was 6’4, his nose was about 5’10. His stretched out face was hard to ignore. And while I was able to look past the strange schnoz and the obvious embarrassment this guy had over his looks, I could not look past how weird he got after a few more texts.

He decided he wanted to come to a party at my house. He started typing in paragraphs. Every text ended with a period. I began to feel like I was talking to a well-written book that wanted to stalk me down and prey on me. I told the guy that I was uncomfortable and no longer wanted to meet up. He said I was a waste of time and to never lead someone on again. 

Truth is, I’d only texted him a handful of times compared to the many, many messages that he’d send me. Never led you on, bro. Just got scared that you were gonna snort me up your giant nose like Rob Ford would snort a Canadian crack rock. In other words, I began to fear for my life. Kind of. I also feared his awkward demeanor and stalker tendencies. 

This experience taught me one thing: If you’re going to Tinder, only swipe right on those who have faces. Or just don’t swipe right at all. Go outside or something instead. You’re less likely to die.

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